Hello Goodbye Hello

Good intentions. Is there a class i can take, a course i can master, something that will teach me how to stay on track? It’s either write about wanting to run or run and want to write about it, but not both. There seems to be no way to combine the two: run then actually write about it. This keeping track of everything has been started in strange fits. It’s making me have fits!

So. Here is my hello. Again. Deja vu.

I wanted to get outside. Running around the neighborhood affords me a sense of loss. I have no idea how far i can go and so i get lost in the run. Tonight, the thunder rolled across the sky like old wooden beer kegs. Within minutes rain drenched the streets and quelled my thoughts of outdoor running. Instead i turned to the trusty treadmill and climbed aboard. I knew i wanted an hour run. I wasn’t concerned with distance or pace. I have nothing to prove. This running thing is a slow climb out of hell called injury and depression. I knew i had to take it slow. So i would take an hour, however it came to me.

I don’t have an intimate relationship with the treadmill. I don’t know the difference between programs and levels. Nothing is set into the memory of my gerbil wheel so when i do play with the buttons it’s always an adventure. This time it was called “rolling hills” which i assumed (wrongly) had something to do with incline/hill work. Not so. It was all about speed. Having no clue about “levels” i set rolling hills to level 5 and prayed i could perform whatever craziness lay ahead.

I don’t need to tell you what walking a 20 minute pace will do to a running soul. It killed me. Deflated me. I almost wanted to pull the emergency stop cord and jump off. Get back to my old standby of quick start and go. But, i stayed with it and was soon running 6.1 miles an hour. That definitely felt better and i got used to the “rolling” that went along with it. So, while the rain fell steadily outside i chugged along on the treadmill, watching the miles tick by, happy to be moving.

In the end, i was able to eke out 5.3 miles. And for this chaotic mess, that’s pretty good.
Favorite songs:

• Joker and the Thief ~ Wolfmother
• Gone Daddy Gone ~ Violent Femmes
• West L.A. Fadeaway ~ Grateful Dead
• Use the Force ~ Jamiroquai
• Scorpio Rising ~ 10,000 Maniacs
• Disease ~ Matchbox 20
• Paralyzer ~ Finger Eleven
• Paint it Black ~ Rolling Stones
• Twilight Zone ~ Golden Earing
• This is How a Hear Breaks ~ Rob Thomas
• Don’t Drink the Water ~ Dave Matthews Band (Red Rocks version)
• Lose Yourself ~ Eminem
• Synchronicity II ~ Police

Day Four

As usual i am a day behind and a dollar short. Don’t know where that saying came from but i have always loved it because i can relate! Anyway, this is how yesterday went:

Cleaner eating: was a disaster…maybe. I had a respectable bowl of cereal and half a cup of coffee. I tried reheating the coffee and having another cup but somehow managed to let that one go cold, too. Maybe i just don’t like my husband’s coffee…i don’t know. The rest of the afternoon was spent “grazing” from the fridge: 1/2 cup cottage cheese (low fat), a handful of wheat thin crackers (low sodium), a handful or raisins (plain), a few leaves of lettuce…nothing really substantial until dinner. Meatballs and whole wheat pasta.

Weight Training: Followed Merrill’s training from the Oxygen magazine and did a bunch of situps and calf raises. Overhead tricep presses with 8lb weights. Four sets of 12 for everything.

Cardio: Ran for 40 minutes on the treadmill. Got as far as 3.82 miles. That makes 6.31 miles so far this month. Yay.

Yoga: Wednesday is balancing month and i think i need help with nearly every move. That’s not entirely true but here are the ones that are giving me trouble: Tree pose (i want to get my leg higher – say thigh high and still balance strong. Right now i’m hovering at the calf level). Warrior III (i love the way the sequence goes from tree to warrior III but i don’t feel my W3 is strong enough). Half Moon (not nearly as pretty or as strong as i want it to be. i feel as though i am out of whack). Eagle pose (Cyndi doesn’t have me sitting into the pose but i think i would like to).
Here are the poses I feel best about: downward dog split (although i found myself lifting the wrong left and threading the needle instead), chair pose with twist (my ankles are getting stronger), side inclined plane (love, love, love this pose!)
It’s funny, but i was watching Namaste Yoga yesterday and they ran almost this exact same sequence. Of course they looked amazing!

Day Three

Every morning is like Groundhog day to me. I roll out of bed, bleary-eyed and somewhat disorientated (dreams take me for some whacked out rides & sometimes i forget where i am when i come to a stop). I slip in front of the computer to check email and see what the work-out calendar has in store for me. Then, it’s breakfast and coffee. Shower. Maybe make the moves on the calendar…More coffee at work and maybe a 2nd breakfast. I’m trying to eat every four hours so granola at 11am is the most appealing. I have grown to love Kashi’s orchard spice. The mountain whatever isn’t that bad, either. I usually always forget my lunch so i’m either buying something in the cafe or standing in front of the vending machine – usually the latter choice because it’s the cheaper of the two. Such is lunch today – sun chips from Mr. Vending. Dinner, as usual is healthy – because i try to cook healthy at all times. Salmon marinated in all things Asian with steamed veggies. Brown rice on the side. Such is clean(er) eating. Bad habit to break: not bringing something (anything!) for lunch!

Weight training: nada…unless you count a pilates session as “weight” training. Lots of stomach (core) exercises and a few inner/outer thigh moves. No arm exercises.

Cardio: zilch. Tomorrow will be a 45 minute session to make up for the fact that last night was only 25, a real quickie.

Yoga: Tuesday is all about standing poses. Nothing really bothers me about this sequence. It’s literally a variation of warrior poses and Sun Salutations. Seemed straightforward enough.

Day Two

Day Two sukked in terms of clean eating. For the billionth time i forgot my lunch on the kitchen counter & ended up eating a candy bar out out the vending machine. ugh. For dinner i made marinated pork and peas. Simple and to the point. Despite the nasty choice at lunch i was able to keep my portion down at dinner.

Cardio:
Got on the treadmill while the pork was cooking & ran 2.49 in 25 minutes. Not too shabby considering i warmed up at a 12 min mile to begin with.

yoga:
Monday is traditionally Sun Salutations. The pose that gives me the hardest time is plank – moving into coba. I would like to perform the push-up like move with strength & grace. My favorite move has got to be downward dog. I love the stretch in my calves.

Weight training:
Nothing with real weights. 30 squats, 90 sit-ups & 20 pushups (full leg).

All in all, a decent day (aside from the gawdawful candy bar). My pseudo trainer, Merrill, brought me more magazines and talked about techniques.

Day One

Clean(er) eating:
Breakfast ~ red pepper, red potato, vidalia onion, veggie sausage, sauteed with shots of balsamic & Tabasco, served with two eggs (one whole, one white), 1/2 slice dry wheat toast & coffee two cups).
Lunch ~ with a friend. Sacraficed healthy to hang out. 5 large chicken fingers with sauces & a glass of water.
Dinner ~ Oriental chicken salad from Friendly’s. Ate 1/3 of the salad without dressing. Water with lemon.

Weight training:
30 shoulder presses (the last set with calf raises)
60 sit-ups (lower abs)
15 sumo squats

Cardio:
None since I ran two days in a row (Friday and Saturday).

Yoga:
Three sets of Sun Salutations.

Because today is Sunday I don’t feel this is a good representation of how my days will actually go. We’ll just have to wait and see…

Take Three

I am trying to get my act together. No small feat when i am this scattered. For the past week i have been working on getting my health back in order. Running, yoga, weight training & eating better. Tomorrow being the beginning of a new month will mark a new way of looking at things.

This is just a test.

Yoga: Been working from Cyndi Lee’s daily yoga book (I’ll get the name of it later). What i would like to do is document what poses are the hardest for me, which ones give me the most pleasure and overall, how the session went. Progress ~ i would like to conquer cow pose.

Running: The love/hate obsession of my life. I know i’m not very good at it, but i enjoy trying. What i would like to do is document hwo each run goes: the mileage, the route, the  conditions, and of course, the time. I’ll comment on how each run made me feel, if anything stood out about the run and so on. Progress ~ i would like to be able to run 26.2 miles.

Weight training: i don’t have definitive goals with weight training. Just to become stronger and leaner…like everyone would like.

Eating better: i am not a clean eater. I would like to make better choices when eating out. I would like to have a more vegetarian approach to my diet. We bought a share at a local farm (which starts Wednesday) so that should help a lot. Progress: limit the sugar, fat & junk from my diet. No affairs with the vending machine!

 

Quietly Coming Back

2007 was rough. I’ll admit it, I’m glad it’s almost over. I’m practically holding my breath waiting to exalt in 2008. I made a lot of promises, but ended up coming up short on every single one. I was suicidal, single handedly trying to stop myself from existing. Like I said, rough. But, I’m gonna put all that bullsh!t behind me. Now.

I can’t make anymore promises. 2008 is my clean slate. MY new start that I will start silently, quietly, all by myself.

On Wednesday I logged 45 minutes on the elliptical because the hotel’s treadmill seemed to be stuck in the off position. Then 15 minutes on the bike. Big whoop. An hour.
Today 30 minutes on my own gerbil wheel. 2.2 miles with an incline of 2. So there.
Total for the week so far 130 minutes.

Footfalls for the Foolish

A friend wants me to run the Gasparilla this time around. This February. I don’t want to. To be fair, there are a lot of don’t want tos in play – I don’t want to disappoint my friend. I don’t want to spend the money to go to Florida when San Diego is in my future. I don’t want to leave work for any amount of time. But, but. But! Most importantly, I don’t want to run unless it’s for a good cause. Give my legs something to fight for. I don’t want to run down my runners just for the sake of a silly race. Give me a charity and I’m up for the challenge. I just don’t know what to tell my friend.

Alone with me, myself & moi

I’m home alone so my thoughts turned to the three things I always do without companionship. Run. Assault the fridge. Scrutinize my face.
I started off by running. 3.52 miles. Nothing to brag about, sneeze about and even cough to admit. I’m calling my treadmill ‘G’ from now on – G for Gerbil, G for Get Off My Ass because even though it was only a 5k run, at least I did it. I plugged into BubbleGum and he sang me through 35 minutes of hills and hell. My brain worked a little overtime because I thought about my boss and how today was his last day. Earlier, I sat in his my chair in his my office and imagined my upcoming rein. I also thought about when I ran the 13.1 for LLS. All the while, reciting the names of the people with cancer I was running in honor of, in memory of. It was so heartbreaking to think I was running in honor of someone battling only to find out they died the day of my race. Honor became memory in a matter of miles. I remembered how my friend, at my celebration party, how she whispered to me “my mom has breast cancer’, yet she still got on stage and sang for me, sang for my triumph in the face of her personal tragedy. It’s hard to run when all you want to do is collapse and cry. Even BubbleGum couldn’t keep me from such sweet, self-induced sadness.
After the pitiful run I ravaged the fridge. Maybe it’s a guy thing and maybe that’s why I keep this secret from my husband, but I don’t know of many women who stand in front of their Kenmores, drinking milk from the carton, scooping yogurt right from the container -the only light in the kitchen coming from the fridge. I eat with my fingers when I’m alone. Tonight was no exception. Tonight I found Turkish apricots and wheat crackers. No need to hold the door open for those. I scooped copious handfuls of each and plopped on the couch, balancing the unlikely feast on my stomach. Watching me chow down it’s hard to imagine me being afraid of numbers like 120 or 40 (116 and 38 for those of you keeping score).
The only thing I haven’t done tonight is prop up the mirror and stare down my own reflection. Usually this is my opportunity to tweeze, pluck, pinch, pucker, scratch, pop and scrub what I see before me. I’m not in the mood to self analyze, scrutinize and criticize.
Maybe that’s a good thing.

Can’t Run This Way

I’ve been too stressed out to even think about running for past week. I know that 3-4 miles would do me some good, clear the head, please the heart, and all that…but I can’t. I just can’t. It’s all I can do to come home, cook dinner and fall asleep in front of the tv. I’m worthless to my friends, useless to my husband, and gutless to my peers.
I can’t run this way. I need to have a certain freedom of spirit to kick start the ambition. I’m supposed to run the Gasparilla with someone in February. I want to say Fukc February because it’s the cruelest of my months, but I don’t want to let down my friend. I don’t want to be that person. So, maybe that should be my motivation. Something needs to get me going!
So, tonight, I kick off the heels…and maybe run.